The Darkest Days Are Behind Us.. We have a future! God is With Us!

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Changing

2008-02-22T06:41:00.000-08:00

After some painful realizations, I am changing myself. Some may think it's good, others bad, and some may think I am crazy. I won't argue the last one. To be honesty I don't know how it will turn out. I have a tendency to always SAY I will change iand in two days I am back to my old ways. But I am really hoping to accomplish the following:

1) Get Closer to God
-Do more Bible Studies
-More Prayer Time
-More Alone Time with God

2)Treat Kevin Better.
-Respect Him More
-Open Communication
-More Consideration on His Feelings

3)Honesty
-More Honest With Myself
-More Honest with Others
-Stay Kind but Stern on How I Feel

4)Become Assertive.
-Say NO If It Is Something I Can't Do
-Stand Up for My Needs
-Listen to What I think God Wants Me To Do

5)Love Others More
-Unwavering
-Relentlessly
-Unconditionally

Other changes may become apparent as time goes on, but as of right now, this is what I am working on. I even loooked up some bible verses to help me get stronger and apply these changes to my life:

ROMANS 12:17-30

17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[a]says the Lord. 20On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."[b] 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

GALATIANS 1:10

10Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

ACTS 5:29

29Peter and the other apostles replied: "We must obey God rather than men!

It's time for a change

Leap Into the Unknown

2008-02-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

"I've nowhere else to go
butI cannot stay where I don't belong"

-Exodus- Evanescence

Acceptance. It’s a hard word for some. An impossible word for all when it comes to the world’s standards. You will never be truly accepted in the world. Why? The world is angry, sinful, and restless. No one truly feels accepted, so they don’t feel they should accept others. This circle of logic continues from preschool to careers to marriage to death.

So, in this world there is no acceptance of one another. Is there any acceptance? Yes. Through Christ. As we accept Christ, He accepts us as one of His own and we become accepted in the eyes of God. Finally, we are loved, cared for, and accepted as part of His family.

So, what happens when someone accepted by God is not accepted by man? Do they continue to stand in the abuse, hoping for acceptance of man one day? No. They shake off the dust off their feet and move on with life.

“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town.”-Matthew 10:14

“The word of the Lord spread through the whole region. But the Jews incited the God-fearing women of high standing and the leading men of the city. They stirred up persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and expelled them from their region. So they shook the dust from their feet in protest against them and went to Iconium. And the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.” –Acts 13:49-52

At my place of work, I am not accepted. I am ridiculed, I am hated, and I am lied about. I feel completely out of place and when I reach out, I am slapped in the face. Why am I still at the job? Because I felt I could be of some help. But even that was turn away. I was scared because I didn’t want to leave a job without another job lined up, but what kind of faith does it take to leap into a known area? God wants us to leap into the unknown, that way we lean not to our understanding of what we see, but on God’s understanding of what we aren’t seeing.

I need to make that jump.

I am shaking the dust off my feet and jumping into the unknown. Just me and God.

Time to Live

2008-01-31T10:37:00.000-08:00

Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back

Life is what you make it.

That's what everyone tells one another at least. I think it's said in hopes that we can control our lives. Fact is, we can't. We can't control the circumstances that happen to us, only our response to those circumstances. And when those circumstances throw us off, our response is usually the rooted reality of who we really are.

My actions, as of late, have left me questioning who I am and who I want to be.

2008 seemed to come in peacefully. I had new goals and new sights on what I wanted to accomplish. I was successful spiritually, physically, and mentally. And even better, I just had an excellent review at work. All was going to plan, or so it seemed. That is, until I came into work the next week.

The next work week it started-the torments, the pointing of fingers, and the comments. I was called ‘fat’, ‘stupid’, and was blamed for several things I did not do all in a week. To make matters worse, when I went to the HR manager, she acted as though there wasn’t much she could do but talk to my manager. When they talked, my manager convinced my HR that I needed to toughen up and grow up and take it. This was further emphasized to me as it was brought up in an Administration meeting which made me into the complete bad guy. In a weeks time, I not only lost my status of a good worker, but I lost my so-called work friends. They felt as though I put them in a tough situation and they didn’t want to say anything about what was going on. This torment has continued from January 9th to this moment.

At first, I felt like I couldn’t handle it. I felt like I had to run away screaming. Then, I felt I had no where to go. A stream of jobs that went nowhere last year has haunted me and I don’t feel like starting it again. At that point, I was unresponsive. I didn’t feel like talking, moving, thinking, anything. Then, I went through my phase of anger. I was terribly angry with God because I couldn’t understand why I was suffering with another job issue. I couldn’t understand why he was letting up on my situation no matter how much I tried to stand resilient. I broke down one night after lashing out at Kevin (the person I love the most) and cried my eyes out praying to God. Now, I am handling it better. Kevin helped me to put it all in God’s hands, but the depression remains in my heart because of the daily problems I face.

The funny thing is, I know God wants me to leave this job. I know that. I know I have to be brave once again and venture out into the unknown. I am not sure why this is. But I know He has reason. Kevin recently was hired to work at Staples. I am very happy and proud of him. I know this is not what he truly wants to do, but he is doing it. I know part of the reason he is doing it is for me. He wants to start a life with me. I want to start one with him. I know God will provide for both of us. I know He has something wonderful in store for us. It’s too early in 2008 to say it’s a bad year. One circumstance, the one that is changing who I am, will not ruin my year. And guess what? It changed me for the better. Now I am more aware of who I am inside, and what I need to do in order to be who God wants me to be. Somehow this torment has shown me to rely on God. I have to be willing to die for Christ before I can truly live. I have said it for a while, now it’s time to put it into practice.

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.- Philippians 1:21

It's time for me to live.

It's not too late for me

To keep from sinking further

I'm trying to find my way out

Tear down these walls

Reveling in my Imperfections...

2007-07-24T10:43:00.000-07:00

So I figured out my problem today and it took a pop song to do it for me. While I was driving to work, Beautiful Disaster by Jon McLaughlin came on the radio and a few of the lyrics struck home.

“She never stays the same for long,Assuming that she'll get it wrongPerfect only in her imperfection.”

It made me realize that is why I always change. I think I am not good enough and I keep changing and changing until I get it perfect- problem is, I will never be perfect. For example, I wrote some great children’s poems, but I didn’t have anyone who wanted to produce it into a children’s book. Instead of taking this in stride, I ran from it and chose something else. Same thing with my drawings, everyone tells me I am good at drawing, so I go for it. But as soon as the road gets tough and people give me suggestions to be better- I assume I am not perfect anymore and why even try.

This trait in me is horrible because it is eating me up and ruining my life. I am never happy and care-free anymore because I have to be perfect. I take everything so hard and am too serious. I was sitting at my work today and wondered why I always feel like I am going to get into trouble and I know it is because I think I am messing things up. Then I had to give myself a check list.

· Did I purposely do sloppy/incorrect work? No.
· Have I done wrong things in the past that may make me think I could do the same mistake again? No.
· Have I recently gotten in trouble? No.

So what is the big idea? Why do I worry? Why do I freak out? Because of the potential to mess something up? Insanity! Which is why I am ruining my life.

This flaw in my personality has seeped into many other aspects of my life. I need perfection in all things- which is something I will never have. When it comes to my body, I am always picking at myself. My hair isn’t perfect, my weight isn’t perfect, I wish I wasn’t so tall, etc etc etc. So, then I worry about not eating this, or doing this, or wishing this, or being uncomfortable with that, so much that I end up not being accepting of myself, feeling ugly and then feeling that Kevin thinks the same. A lack of confidence is truly my only ugliness in reality.

This flaw even has reached my relationship. When Kevin even mentions something that I did incorrectly or that I did differently, I flip! I go right into defensive mode and I am relentless. I explain myself over and over, get aggravated, or even spout off things I would never normally do. All of this mess, just because I folded a towel wrong, or misplaced something. It’s insane.

It is one thing to know one’s problem, it’s a whole different one to change it. I am making up myself steps to follow to try and control this so I can live a free happy life.

Step 1: Accept that I am not perfect. I need to just accept and leave it at that. Nothing will ever be perfect. I need to take a deep breath and roll with the challenges I face.

Step 2: Laugh at my mistakes. I used to laugh at my little misfortunes, but now I seem to only obsess over them. I need to realize the life is a learning process. I will be learning how to live for the rest of my life. (ah like that? a DT reference :P )

Step 3: Realize that the world will not end if I do mess up big time. If I do something enormously detrimental to my career, and I can’t pay my bills, the world will not burn up and I won’t starve. I have people who will back me and love me very much who know life is hard and won’t let me fall.

Step 4: If you are always concerned about what will happen tomorrow, you will never enjoy today. I need to realize that I need to enjoy the moments of happiness that I have, or life will pass be by with one worry after another clouding the happiness.

Step 5: I need to grow up. I need to be able to handle my worries. I need to only worry about something when it’s in my immediate eye-sight. No reason to worry about things that have not happened, have already happen, or may or may not ever happen.

I am really dedicating myself to this and will be recording in a journal my progress. This is something that will be a long, slow process and I am going to count on Kevin, to help me out. He needs to be my accountability partner and I need him to step up and let me know when I am being paranoid, upset, worried, or just not enjoying myself due to my ever thinking/worrying mind.

Wish me luck!

Love

2007-04-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

I had a big post planned. Each paragraph was a different aspect of my life...and I want I planned it to be. Then, I realized something. There are two things I want. That's it. I want what God has planned for my life. I want Kevin. I feel God has planned a future for me and Kevin. And I am excited and looking forward to living each day :) That's all.

New Beginning

2007-04-03T17:15:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well...here I am again.....lost for words. God has been doing awesome things in my life, but it is all about change. And change...to me is exciting...but scarey. I think the constant toss between being scared and being anxious has made me worry about it all. But when I pray about, I always feel better. I feel like God is saying, " I know that it's hard, but it's worth it at the end. I want you to do this, but not alone." This is what I need to make it through and this is what, thus far, as helped me through it.

So...you may ask...what changes do you face? Well, all of them start with the man of my dreams :) Kevin.

His name alone is enough to make my heart skip a beat. I've got it for this boy, and I got it bad :) But I couldn't be happier. In the last two years, I would have never been able to get through all that I have without him by my side. I don't know what I would do without him and I am glad to know that I didn't have to go through it without him for a moment! :)

We have had a tough year, I will admit this. It started out with not being able to see each other for almost 4 months. This is VERY difficult when you are completely in love with someone and all you can hear is a voice over the computer/cell phone day in and day out. We even had to spend Valentine's Day away from one another.

Then, to make matters worse, we got into a fight in the middle of February. Although the fight was stupid and at the time I couldn't understand why I was being stubborn, I think I figured it all out later. God wanted it to happen. I know this sounds crazy, but I believe it's true. We weren't talking open and honestly about everything *one of the major rules we agreed on in our relationship* and we weren't trusting GOD with our relationship. I think God just had to have us refocus. And with almost losing him, I think I saw just how much I love him and need him. I couldn't do without him.

After we got through all the difficulties, Kevin's father passed away. I desperately wanted to come to his aid. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to let him know it was ok. I wanted to hold him in my arms and never let go. I wanted to be his anchor through this and wanted to let him know that no matter how hard it was, I understood and was there to wipe away his tears. Sadly... I was not there and I could not wipe away his tears. This broke me into pieces. I sent flowers. I sent cards. I sent emails. But I felt like I wasn't doing any more than what a distant cousin does when someone dies. :( It was awful. Somehow Kevin told me I helped him. And I honestly hope I did help him, but I can't see what good I did, to be honest.

The same week Kevin's father died, he found out he was losing his job. I didn't think that life could get worse for him. In the midst of it all, I was so surprised and proud to see how strong he was through it all. It really was amazing to me how wonderfully he held tight to God. It truly made me smile and made me happy that he was being as strong as he was.

I had to leave my job as well. It wasn't good for me and I think if I was to have stayed another moment, I would have done something destructive to myself. I was so completely tired, depressed, drained, torn, and sick...nothing was going to help unless I got out. So I prayed about it and God showed me my answer ;) He always provides. The next day, I was writing my farewell letter to them.

Just a week ago, I had a great visit with Kevin :) We were in each other's arms and it was amazing. I probably couldn't name to you all that we did. And to be honest, I don't think I care what we did. All I care about was that we were together for that time :) And that is when we decided to go ahead and purchase the final ticket :) Sure, there will be times I go to visit my family. But I bought the final ticket to come and live in New Jersey with Kevin :) I am so excited about the change in my life and I can't wait until I get to see him on a regular, daily basis. I can't wait for date life. I can't wait until we can watch tv at night together and I can't wait until we can be in each other's arms :)

God might be doing a lot of changes...new car, new job, new state, new start. But it's all I ever wanted and I can't wait for it to come :)

I love you, Kevin

Thank you God.

For my future. For being with Us. For it all.

Black Friday

2006-11-24T05:24:00.000-08:00

Listening to: Learning to Live by Dream Theater

Well, well... I haven't been here in a while. It's not that life hasn't been interesting. It has. But it has been SO busy, I don't have time to write most days.

The onlyt thinh that I am thinking about any more is the future that I am going to have with Kevin. It is something that I feel we both have been waiting long enough for. We have had a great year together and I think that it will only get better when we are together!

I get to see him in 5 days and I can't wait. In the meantime... I get two more days off and I work 3 days. Blah.. Work is not what I would like it to be. But it's work. I make decent money, get good benefits, and for the most part, I have already learned 3 times what I need to know in order to do the job I am paid for. The girl that I am working with doesn't like me too much. I am nice to her, though. She is just worried about her job security since I came to "town". She has n0thing to worry about though. Where she is and who she is, isn't what I am striving for. I don't want my life to come down to being a receptionist/operations for a small computer training company. In fact, if I can help it, I will recieve payment for what I love to do. Drawing. Coloring. ART!

I love being creative. It is just about the only thing I can sit down and do for a good 5 hours and not feel that I have wasted my life or that I didn't get anything done. Art is relaxing and is immortal. I can draw a picture that has the possibility to last longer than me. That somehow intrigues me. I want to have something others can look at 20 years past my last breath. Maybe it's even a bit narcissistic. I am not sure. I just know it's something I want.

I had a really strange dream last night that I think pretty much sums up my relationship with Christ right now. Basically lately, I have been feeling closer to God. I have been reading my bible more often, praying more, and I even witnessed to someone at work and gave them a bible :) With that being said, here is my dream:

I had a dream I was talking to John Mayer. He was telling me about this guy who is an artist but can't touch anyone without burning them. He laughed and tried to guess what part of clothing would burn off if he touched the man. Apparently the same thing happened if you touched the artwork of the man. I went to the computer to look up his artwork. He had made the most amazing paintings. Bright colors and big strokes- I soon fell in love with them. I didn't know which one I wanted to touch. Finally, I found a painting of Jesus on the cross with an audience behing him with no expression in an arena. I became so involved in this painting, I decided this is the one I touched. As my fingers slowly approached the painting, a piece of paper which looked to have flown out of the hand of one of the audience members in this arena flew up, flew around Jesus and pasted itself on the top left corner of it. I reached out at this time and pressed my finger on the white piece of paper on the painting. Releasing my finger, I left a blood stain, saw a big bright flash and the computer turned off. I sat looking at my finger which was not only not burned but not bleeding. Then, I woke up. I know, I know stange dream. Not sure why I had it. . . but it wasn't a bad one. And I even think back on it fondly. Go figure.

Other than some strange dreams, my life has been doing better since the last post. My relationship with Kevin just keeps getting stronger and I am getting happier and happier. We are so tightly connected, it's hard to remember life before him. And to be honest, I don't want to remember life before him. :) God truly made us for each other.

It's Hard to Say Goodbye

2006-05-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

I don't have a whole lot of patience tonight to write everything I have in my mind. In fact, I don't even know if I want to write everything down I have in my mind ever. I don't know how pleasant it would be to remember this pain. In January of this year, my grandma was told she had colon cancer. At first, it seemed fixable and she went in for a surgery and they started chemo in February.About March, she went in for a surgery due to the fact that her wound had gotten infected. She made it through the surgery, but was deeply weakened from it and the fact of having such strong chemo. Still she fought, and went to a rehab home to get strong enough to walk by herself again.Suffering from depression and the realization she was too weak to ever have chemo again, I had to watch daily as my grandma fell to pieces. She was irritable, in pain, and severely depressed. All things I hated to see my grandma go through. By May, she gotten even sicker and landed herself in the hospital for irregular heartbeat. While there, Mother's day came and went, and she was terrible upset to be there during it. We visited her and brought her presents. She thanked me for coming. By the time they took her home, she wasn't able to talk anymore. By that time her throat had so many tumors in it.. she couldn't speak, swallow, or eat. Since she signed a living will, no feeding tubes on I.V.'s were given to her. For days I dropped crushed up pills dissolved in a few drops of water in her mouth to make her comfortable. Day and night she breather shallowly and slowly starved to death, with no water, and in a great deal of pain. The last words I heard her utter were " I hurt" which broke my heart and took all dreams and hopes that she was resting without pain. This morning, I was sitting on one side of her, my mother the opposite, and we saw her cough, gasp, stop breathing, start up again, cough once more, and let out a sigh. It was her last. Haunted by the memories of her final days, I am depressed and lower than I have ever been I believe. I know God has a plan in all of this. I praise Him for it. I just wish I could accept it more than I do. It's been a horriable day.

Stay Strong In the Lord When Nothing Else Is Left

2006-03-27T15:43:00.000-08:00

I'm tired.

I'm tired of my life being one struggle after another. This isn't part of the plan, Lord. Then again, when do I have say in all of this? Once again I am leaving my life in His hands. Scarey thing is, once that happens, it's gone. I can't do a thing.. He has full control. Good and bad.

What can I say about this year? It's been a mess. I started it in a terrible job in which I was tormented by my boss, with derogatory words, sexual comments, and right out rudeness. Then to make matters worse, I needed that job. But after 2 months in this year, I couldn't take it anymore. So, I left CompUSA. And you know what? Maybe that was the best thing that ever happened to me... because I don't regret that at all.

Then we found out my grandma has cancer. This has been a horriable experience. She has it all over her body. She is in constant pain. She has been going to chemo treatments and she sees everyone get up and get better and stronger and she continues to get weaker and weaker. It is painful to hear her choked back tears while she explains her disappointment in her relunctance to improve in her health. I see her grow weaker each day. Let me say this, nothing is worse than seeing someone you love and care about grow weaker and weaker in pain in a sickness. I would rather take her place any day. I want her to get better and it tears me apart that I can't do anything to help. While all this is going on her dog dies. Peggy Sue that has been with my grandma since my grandpa, her husband, died. It just doesn't seem fair at all. The sweet baby girl was the best and sweetest boxer I have ever met and I was blessed to ever have her in my life. But goodness... why did she have to die of cancer when my grandma is sitting in that house not able to do anything dying of cancer? It's so fustrating and heartwrenching and confusing.

Now during all of this... my mom has been sick with stuff and has been utterly depressed. Which I can understand COMPLETELY. Now today she has been in excruciating pain and depressed beyond belief. So, despite my life already having stress I also now take care of the house, while I am sick, and comforting mom. It's hard sometimes to be strong.

My dad is also sick. If you know my dad, you know what happens when he is sick. He is SO mean and crabby. You can't make any noise, he is temperamental, hard to deal with, and sometimes just generally hurtful.. so this is adding to everything.

Then, at work I have the biggest area to prepare for in inventory. Francine is going to be my boss for the next two weeks because Bri is on her honeymoon. I have been in a car accident a few weeks ago with a guy that doesn't have insurance and so I am trying to get all of that straightened up.

Sometimes, I feel like I am gonna freak out. Then, I look to God. It makes sense why all of this is happening. When I was younger, around 17 or so, I told God that no matter what the test and no matter what the circumstance I would show Him that I would stand strong in my faith. I read about Job and how he had stayed strong for God through all kinds of pain, sorrow and stress. Even when anyone else would give up. He thought he was serving God. But He served God more than he knew. He was saving humanity's reputation. He was able to make an example to the devil himself that God's people doesn't just follow Him because of the good things in their life, but also because God is there through the bad times even when He doesn't seem like He is there. To be honest, I don't feel God's love in this. But I KNOW in my heart and BELIEVE through faith that He is carrying me through all of this. And THAT is why I LOVE Him :) That is why I am still alive and striving to serve and please Him.

You know who keeps me grounded? My baby, Kevin. Without him I don't know where I would be. He gives me reason to stay strong :) And so I do my best to be strong :) For him. For me. For GOD :)

The Bright Spot

2006-02-26T21:37:00.000-08:00

Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!

To the lights that illuminated in the distance of a sea of darkness, I waved goodbye to my love. For 3 whole days, I had happiness. I had a smile. I had fun. I had life. I had the one I put before myself in my arms. I had the one who looks at me and sees me as beautiful staring into my eyes. My question: "Why can't I have that everyday?" Years and years I prayed one simple prayer. I wanted God to put in my life one person who would love me for me. Someone who would treat me special unconditionally. I wanted someone who would care for me as much as I cared for them. Day after day, broken heart after another, I felt that someone would never come. Twice suicidal. Million of times humbled. Down on my knees, face on the floor, tears down my eyes, prayers I screamed. And when all hope was lost-he came in my life.

Kevin.

A screw-up to the rest of the world. Unwanted. Mistreated. Hated. Broken. Like a broken porcelain doll, I gently pick up the pieces and glue each one on with love and care. Understanding just how fragile he is, I take my time in our relationship. He was that one I had prayed for. He was the one I cried all those lonely nights for. He was the one I saw in my dreams. He was the one I wrote my poetry for.

He's the one.

For the life of me, I can't understand what God does. I don't know why I even try, to be honest, when I know it is a losing battle. But I just wish I could know some simple things. One of them being, why doesn't Kevin get what he deserves? In a world where I have met one cruel, abusive guy after the next, Kevin has been like an angel from above.. and yet his life makes him miserable. I don't want that for him. I love him. He is everything to me. I couldn't imagine life without him. Yet God puts one thing on him after another until he considers taking the beautiful life he has. Do you know that I felt sick this morning, and he never left my side. He got me cough drops, chloreseptic spray, and even helped me when I had a bloody nose. He laid next to me when I slept and prayed for me as I had my temperature taken. Never have I seen a sweeter man. To be honest, he is everything I ever wanted in life. Absolutely wonderful.

He told me the last couple times I have visited him he has been planning to tell me that he loves me but has chickened out. You know what though? I believe he does no matter if he tells me it or not. He can't hide it. I can see right through his actions and into the way he looks. I know of the love he has. He is not sure if it is friendship love or true love. I know it is true love, and I know it runs deep. And it runs deep for me too. I don't think that there has ever been two people more made for each other than me and him.

To think of my world with him is to think of paradise. Sure, we aren't perfect and have disagreements and everything else. But you know what? The time we are together, I know in my heart, I have someone to support me and be with me no matter what happens. If the world was to end that instant, I would know that I would be taken up to Heaven with Kevin, by my side, holding my hand. That thought brings tears to my eyes. I know no matter what that I have him in my life. I know no matter what he is mine. I couldn't see life without him.

He says to me that I am the only thing keeping him going. He says I am the only bright light in his life. That fascinates me as much as it frightens me. Lots of resposnibility, but also a chance to show him that not everything in his life will be bad. I wanted to show him that there is someone in his life that will never walk out of it. I won't turn my back on him. If I wanted to do that, I would have done that. I didn't when he was unemployed. I haven't now that he is. I didn't when he was just my friend. I haven't that now he is my baby. I don't when he is mad. I don't when he is happy. My love for him is unconditional. No circumstance. No reason. No way I would I ever leave him. I haven't given up on him and never will. Why? Because he may not know his reason to be put on earth, but I do. It is to touch other's lives. He sure has touched me, deep in my heart. He says it is not enough if it is just one person, but it is kind of a chain reaction. He may touch my life, and I may touch 3 people's lives, and in return those three people touch 8 people each. Altogether, that one life Kevin touched (mine), has in return touched 29 people. I hope he never loses sight of the bigger picture. Sometimes God makes you the link that keeps the chain together and you never even know because you don't know it is that fragile. You don't know it is going to fall apart.

He is now in deep sorrow over life's circumstances. One obstacle has been thrown at him, then another. The precious thing is looking for relief. I reach out my arms and keep him warm inside the love I have given him. I try to give him everything he needs, although it is not enough for him. And who can blame him? He deserves his happy ending. But I believe God has it under control. He always does. I just have to keep telling myself what I tell Kevin. It's in God's hands. There's nothing else we can do. In the mean time, I will just show him the unconditional love I have for him and see the love he has for me in the daily things. Waiting until the next day I can be with him, I hang on to the opportunity I have shining bright in the bright spot of his life.

Here I am by your side
No more tears to cry
Arms out, heart understanding
My love so undemanding
Come to me, a soul to bare
I won't tell anyone your cares
Between me and you, your words unfold
Having me as one to hold
Asking nothing in return
Except to be able to learn
Your fears, your doubts, and pain
I hold you up and sustain
The life you've wanted to see die
The love I won't let you see pass by
Patiently I care for you
All these problems, we'll see through
Fingers entwined and hearts as one
All of this we will overcome

Life

2006-02-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

"Life"- Our Lady Peace

How many times have you been pushed around?
Was anybody there?Does anybody care?
How many time have your friends let you down?
Was anybody there?Did anybody stare?
How many time have your friends let you down?
Just open up your heartJust open up your mind
How many times has your faith slipped away?
Well, is anybody safe?Does anybody pray?
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive
How many days have you just slept away?
Is everybody high?Is everyone afraid?
How many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive
She gets highShe gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, all her life
She gets highShe gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, all her life

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive
All messed up, but we'll survive

Why do we do the things we do? What effects us enough to be someone good or bad? Is it our circumstances? Our heart? Our fears? Or our sense of false strength?

I always thought the times I would push God away the most is when everything is going wrong. But you know what, I don't think that is the case. I could be blaming Him. I could be screaming at Him at the top of my lungs. I could rant and rave about why my life is nothing and how He pulls one cruel joke after another. You know why I know I could? Because I have.

But you know what I am doing in the midst of all the chaos? I am reaching out for Him. I have my eyes focused on Him. And you know what? He amazes me. In some ways, I really don't think that there is anything I can possibly do but just keep my eyes on Him. You know why? Because I know He is there... I know He is the one with His hand on my heart. I know that when I feel some peace.. it's Him. I know no matter what I am going through He is going to be with me.

My grandma is dying. It's strange to see that on paper. Or on a screen to be realistic. I don't know what to really say about it. All I know is that no matter what the situation will be, my grandma knows God and she will be happy to be back in His arms. Who wouldn't be? But it doesn't make it any easier on the family or on me to accept it. I love my grandma. I don't want to lose her. But somehow I know God will give me the peace to maybe not understand it, but to accept it.

My mom is really sick. I hope that she too isn't dying. I don't think I will ever be the same if I lose my mom this early in my life. I don't think I could deal with the world around me if something like this happens to me. I love my mom dearly and the last thing that I want to happen is for my mom to leave me here on earth without her arms giving me a hug, or her listening to me.

No matter what is going on. No matter what happens. Nothing is gonna change my love for the Lord. If it wasn't for God and my loving boyfriend, Kevin, I don't know where I would be.

My Immortal

2006-01-19T17:01:00.000-08:00

I'm still here...

Kevin told me that I should start to write in here. It may help me. I hope it does in some ways. I am not as sad as I was yesterday, or for the past month to be honest. I, for some reason unknown, have put myself under all kinds of unnecesary pressure. But it's not just with my work. Just with everything. But I talked to God about it last night and I know everything is going to work out in the end.

It gets confusing sometimes. I come to a fork in the road and I want to go down to the path that God wants me to do. So I pray and close my eyes and walk down one of the paths, but as I am walking down the path, I don't always recognize the territory. Sometimes I stumble on a rough spot. Sometimes, I even run across a brick wall in the middle of my path. No matter what I am a true believer in the end the path will lead to the right destination. :) God wouldn't let me down.. even when it seems like it once in a while.

So, with a smile on my face and God's love in my heart, I know I can face anything.

Dark Colors Become Beautiful

2005-12-13T08:49:00.000-08:00

"You see, triumph is born out of struggle. Faith is the alchemist. If you want to paint pictures like this, you have to use some dark."

Bogged down my years of past mistakes, I constantly looked back to my enigma of despair that stood behind me. I realized that looking back to the past, takes your eyes off the road ahead, and you are more likely to stumble and fall into a pit. I remember so many days wasted thinking about the past or crying about the past. Maybe even it was bitterness. I’m not sure what it was, but all I knew it was eating up my life. Until one day, I came to the realization that I can’t change it. No matter what I did, no matter how many times I thought about it. The past is written. It doesn’t change. I think of it like this. Time is much like clay. Your past is the artwork you’ve already made and it has dried out in the air. It is like stone. The shape of it can’t change. The present is the clay wet in your hands. Keeping it molded and shaped, you can create beautiful artwork. But you have to be careful. If you lay down the clay in your hands to try and change the clay that has already dried, not only will you not change that clay, but the clay in your hands will dry in misshaped ways. The future is the clay still fresh in the bag. It has beautiful potential as does the clay in your hands. The good part is the fact that you still have time to decide how to shape it. While the time of the clay in your hand is running out. So, don’t try to shape clay that has already dried. Mold the clay in your hands into something beautiful.

2005-12-05T17:53:00.000-08:00

Life is going by faster than I could ever imagine. In less than 48 hours I will be in Kevin's arms and I can't wait :) My new job as a Business Service Sales Representative is keeping me busy with 9 hour days. God has been blessing me more than I can even imagine. I have a job which I not only am kicking butt in, but sadly I enjoy :P I have the best guy on earth as my boyfriend and Christmas is just around the corner. Life couldn't be better.

Tomorrow will be the last day away from Kevin for a week! :) I can't wait! I just wanna be in his arms every day. With this new job God blessed me with, I know that this can happen. Pretty soon, I can called New Jersey home and Kevin and I can have dates :P How fun!! :) I think it will be sooo much fun!

Well, in the light of this trip, I will post a bit of lyrics I believe describe it all ;)

"Good Love Is On The Way"- John Mayer Trio

"Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know I'll be okay
Good love is on the way "

I Believe in You

2005-11-17T16:27:00.000-08:00

You make me feel so beautiful
Nowhere else in the world I wanna be
You make me feel so beautiful

I have lost my illusions
I have drowned in your words
I have left my confusion to a cynical world
I am throwing myself at things
I don't understand
Discover enlightenment holding your hand

Life has been changing frequently for me and Kevin. I haven't really had time to think. Maybe other people would still think that it is just a few things going on. Maybe they're right. But in my world, I see the changes...and all I wanna do is hide in his arms.

Ever since I met Kevin, time has gone by faster than I can grasp. My time with him, whether it be in his arms, on the phone, or online, slips through my fingers like sand. I am left grasping for just one more grain. I feel I will look back on life the same way. Kevin and I have been changing around our occupations lately. I went from working at a Christian Bookstore for almost a year to a competitive secular Computer Store Business Sales Representative. I am a little scared and although I am excited at the opportunity, I'm scared out of my mind. But everything is going to be okay I am sure. Kevin now also works for the same Computer Store but a different locations. Together we can share many antics of the store and can support one another. If I didn't have Kevin's support, I don't know I would ever survive. I seriously can see my life change around as I have known him. He has been making me braver, stronger, and happier.

I think that my presence in his life has done a lot too. Well, so he says. :P I hope to make a difference in his life each day that I live. No one has ever been so important to him. Next year, I will have enough saved to rent a room in New Jersey and we will have a "normal relationship" instead of a long distance one. I am ecstatic! I can't wait to curl up in his arms and watch a movie with him on a Friday night. I can't wait until we can go to eat out at LongHorn on a Saturday night while we go catch a movie, or bowl, or hang out at a guitar store. Whatever the activity is, as long as I have Kevin next to me, it will be exhilerating. Heck! I could be filling out Tax forms and be the happiest person in the world if Kevin had his arms around me. God has truly blessed me with the most precious man in the whole world.

So, I am relying on God to help me to make it through somehow. I am relying on Him to make Kevin's dreams of being a published writer come true. I want to see him happy. I want to see him see every dream come true. That is really MY dream. It's all I want. He means so much to me. May God be with us through all the changes and wrap His arms around us and protect us.

I look back on the posts Kevin made this time last year. I knew that Kevin. That is the Kevin I met back in July. But you know what? He isn't that same person. I am so happy to see his newer entries have hope, have purpose, and finally see a future. Maybe one day he will even see how special he is. I wish I could be a mirror...that I could somehow reflect just how beautiful of heart he has and how wonderful he is.

Is it Christmas yet?

2005-11-17T16:25:00.000-08:00

Is it Christmas yet?

I feel that I am getting closer to God in a lot of ways. I think the effects of my old church are slowly leaving me and I am going back to the innocent way I used to feel toward God. I am so happy I feel this way since for so long I had such a jaded relationship going with Him. He has been blessing my life in extreme ways and I am so happy that He is. I don't know what I can do to thank Him other than to show my gratitude in prayer and trying to be obedient to Him.The blessing He has given me is this: Kevin. Kevin is the wonderful man God placed in my life 4 months ago. Life hasn't been the same since he came into my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure, we have our rough times, but gosh it is so good to have a boyfriend who is my best friend. He means the world to me and I don't think I could ever express into words that exist how I feel for him. He is an amazing person. He is kind, gentle, caring, and considerate. Just thinking about him always puts a smile on my face.In about 4 weeks, I will be visiting him. It will be December and we are going to celebrate a little early Christmas together. We are going to go to NYC and see the Rockafeller Christmas Tree and all that. I have never been to NYC and I can't wait to experience it for the first time in my life with him. *hehe* Can you believe it? I found someone who loves traditions and Christmas as much as me? We both love A Christmas Carol, trains, christmas lights, stockings, gifts, etc... *giggles* We are both kids at heart. But I wouldn't have it any other way. God sure knew what He was doing when He made Kevin. Cause He couldn't made anyone else as wonderful This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.

Blissfully Yours

2005-11-07T18:15:00.000-08:00

Our time together can be summed up in one word: "bliss".

Don't Question Miracles.

2005-10-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

God is so amazing. God has provided an opportunity for Kevin to visit me for a week. He is coming tomorrow! May God bless our time together and our relationship.

The Darkest Days Are Behind Us

2005-10-02T19:10:00.000-07:00

Wednesday...

Cramped up in a little phone booth. My shaking hand held a single piece of paper with two phone numbers: one cell, one home. Dialing the numbers, I was welcomed with a familiar voice. Sounding a bit sleepy, we finished up the last of our planning, and asked each other to be careful. The clink of change rang through the relatively quiet gate as I sat there waiting for my flight. Looking up at the screen I noticed the flight was for Boston. My destination being Newark, I started to feel a bit uneasy at my current location. I went up to a worker and inquired about the location. I found out I should be clear on the other side of the terminal. Rushing through the crowd, I moved my way through the Terminal, reaching my gate just minutes before boarding. I took a sigh of relief as I boarded the plane, knowing God had already placed His loving arms around me and kept me from missing my flight.

My heart was racing.

Sitting on the plane, I slowly felt the plane taking off. Lifting off the ground and soaring above the clouds, and in my stomach butterflies fluttered. The longest 2 and 1/2 hours of my life was ahead of me. So much uncertaintiness. So many possibilities. A possiblity of complete bliss. A possibility of disappointment. A possibility of heartache. A possibility of joy. All I could do is look out the window and pray. Hands shaking. Heart racing.

As the gate door opened, I raced to find him. I did not know where I really was going. I didn't really know where he would be. All I knew is that I had to find him. My eyes scanned each person as I walked on and on toward my baggage. I was determined to find him and not pass him by.

Then I saw him.

Standing at the front of one doorway, there he was. He was looking my opposite direction and seemed to be a bit nervous himself. One thing I knew I wanted to do I did. I wrapped my arms around him...

and I didn't let go.

Finally we were face to face. Finally I could look at him in the eyes. I could touch his face. I could hold him and feel his touch.

Finally, he was in front of me.

We laughed and talked about my flight and about his arrival to the airport. Sitting down we watched 3 different baggage pick up areas, since I wasn't sure which one my luggage would be coming from. As we waited we played around with his gameboy and giggled about New Jersey. My luggage eventually arrived. He carried my luggage in one hand, as his other hand held mine tight. We slowly made out pilgrimage out of the airport onto the train to get to his parking spot. We had a train car all to ourselves. For the first time, I touched his hair, he touched mine. I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled against him as we made our way to the car.

Driving down the highway, I attempted to naviagate as he tried to find our way to his house. Turn right, turn left, get off here... boy, was I ever lost. Given incorrect directions, Kevin was lost as well. Determined that God wouldn't leave us, I started to pray in the back of my mind. I looked at it as an unseen adventure and eventually got Kevin to agree to that idea. We did find our way. God looked after us, as He always does. Pulling in the driveway to his home, I took a deep breath, knowing I would meet his mom for the first time. We walked up to the door and I was greeted by a lovely lady with a warm smile and big house. In the back of my mind, I said: "ah! Must be Kevin's mom!" I was pleasantly surprised to have such a warm greeting. God's loving arms were still around me.

We brought up my baggage to his room. He opened the door and I was greeted to a familiar scene. I was standing in front of the same room I had seen every night on the webcam. From the posters on the walls, to the stuffed animals on the computer.. everything was just as I had seen. I wanted to stand there and take it all in, but I had to get the rest of my things.

After all my things were neatly placed away in his room, we decided to cuddle up on the futon and watch "Batteries Not Included". I really had no attention span for the movie. To me, all that matter was he was next to me. That's all that matter. I was finally in his arms. It was all that I wanted. We laughed and talked. I cuddle against him and tried to take a nap. He teasingly gave me trouble, telling me he told me so about being so tired after my trip.

After the movie, he introduced me to a video game I had never played, "Monkey Ball". This game would have been so much fun on a normal day, but it was mid afternoon and I had yet to have a morsel of food. So, a monkey rolling around on a television screen made me quite ill. I told him how I was feeling and we went down stairs in search of food.

Once I had something in my stomach, I was feeling great again. We went through all the stuff that I had brought him from St. Louis. He seemed grateful and a little aggrevated at the same time for me bringing things for him. I just felt like I really wanted to give him something to show him my affection. I also brought a box of candy for his mom. I really wanted to get her something special since she was letting me stay with them for an entire week.

Around late afternoon, we decided to make a quick trip to the Shore. On the drive out there, we listened to Evanescence and Dream Theater. I learned all about Tolls and we learned about each other's lives even in more detail. When we finally arrived to the Shore, I was blown away and how beautiful it really was. The ocean was enormous and looked as if it had no end.

Things like the ocean really reminds me of the beauty God creates.

He broght a backpack with him so we could put our shoes and our socks. I wanted to place my barefeet into the sand. So, we did just that. And I stepped in the sand for the first time...

What an experience!

I never even could have dreamed of how it felt. It was strangely soft and comforting to my feet, but at the same time was a bit scarey. I never felt anything move out from under my feet as I walked. It was the most unusual experience. But I can't wait to feel that feeling again.

We slowly made our way to the water. I was leaning to one side, then to another one. Stepping hard, I tried to keep my balance. When we reached the water, I slowly walked to the water with his hand wrapped tightly around mine. The water was cold, but touched me gently.

Then, I walked too far in it.

He warned me to step back, but I didn't. A large wave came up and hit mid way up my leg. That completely freaked me out. I clumsily stepped back and tried to escape any further attackes from the water. I hated the feeling of the sand washing away under my feet, but at the same time, I loved the feeling of the water hitting me. So, it was both terrifying and exhilerating to say the least. He protected me the whole time, so I never felt in danger.

We walked over to the rocks. He thought that I would be able to climb right up them. He was wrong. I never have experienced climbing rocks at all. So, to me, I didn't even know how to do it. We decided to just sit and look out at the water. We sat and enjoyed how beautiful the ocean was. We talked and laughed and ended up complaining about being hungry. So, we made our way back to the Boardwalk.

We ended buying pizza from some random pizza place and sat at a relatively dirty table, looking out at the ocean. He joked about this small seagall looking at us, just waiting for us to leave so he could each our pizza. We sat there and talked about all kinds of things. Soon, the seagall had a much larger friend who decided he also would stare at us. This struck us both as quite funny and we sat there laughing for the longest time about that. Both birds were ready to take us. It was truly a sight you had to see!

After the pizza, we decided to go to the arcade. We played around with the grab machines. We were both quite good at it. He won a teddy bear and Pac Man ghost for me. I won a kitty cat. He also won a pink spinedty for himself. As the evening was going on, we decided to leave the Boardwalk and head on home. We made a stop at a bench and sat looking out at the water. We enjoyed the nice weather, but it was starting to give us a chill. So, we headed home, hand in hand with the sounds of ocean waves slowly fading into the night.

On the drive home, I watched the lights go by and laid my head on his shoulder from time to time. Most of the time, we were just holding hands in the car. I enjoyed the sound of his music in the background as we talked of our plans for the next day.

Once home, he went to take a shower to get all the sand off his feet. I called my mom then and told her that I was fine and about my day. Once he came out of the shower he came back to his room. I was bent down picking up some of my clothes and I felt two arms wrapping around my waist. When I stood up, I turned around.

And then we kissed.

I don't know who initiated the kiss. But we were kissing. I hadn't kissed in quite some years, so I was completely out of practice. Needless to say, I am sure I was terrible at first. In my defense, he had some practice earlier that year, I hadn't. It was okay though. He was gentle and kind with me, slowly showing me the right way to kiss. We talked about what happened and then we got ready for bed. I drifted off thinking of how much I had experienced and how much more was ahead of me. My journey had just begun...

Thursday...

Late in morning, Kevin and I woke up. Feeling a bit lazy at first, we spent our time making out and talking about all we had planned for the upcoming days. Kevin decided he wanted to take a shower, so he grabbed his things and slowly made his way to the shower, giving me one more kiss as he left. I started to clean up his room. Rolling up his sleeping bag, I tried to hurry as fast as I could. Not knowing where he placed everything, I did the best I could. My mind raced as I kept cleaning. Is this Your will God? Will You show us Your plan? Is it selfish or wrong of me to want him to like me? I think the questioning never stopped. I heard the water shutting off and decided to wait on his futon quietly as he came back in. When he came in, he told me he wanted to talk with me. Discussing fears, anxieties, and confusion, we ended the conversation with an agreement to wait and see what God had in store. Both of us just waking up and being quite hungry, we headed down to the kitchen.

"Want to have my favorite soup?" he asked with a smile.

"Sure!" I responded, knowing what is what going to be.

Grabbing two servings of Mrs. Grass, he told me that we needed oodles and oodles of more noodles to make it good. So, we boiled some water, made Mrs. Grass and headed upstairs. We watched some old episodes of Mad About You. A few of his videos followed the Mad About You episodes. We lazily sat on the futon, as Kevin narrated the videos for me. I enjoyed every minute of the time we had in his room.

After the movies, we decided to head downstairs to eat dinner. His mother made a wonderful meal and I helped her cook the macaroni and cheese. I had a lot of fun as Kevin and I made the cheese sauce together. I was laughing the whole time as he hesitantly added each ingredient. I definitely had a good time and I hoped he was enjoying himself too.

When we had our fill, we left for Lori and Mike's place. When we arrived there, I was face to face with the his sister. The girl I had been chatting with for almost two months and had become relatively close to. Still the meeting felt awkward and I was more than a little scared. I met her husband for the first time as well, he seemed to have a different accent than the others, later I would find out that he is originally from the Bronx. Makes a lot of sense. :)

Lori and Mike gave me a tour of the house and I was then seperated from Kevin for the first time since the trip started and was placed in a room with Lori. I enjoyed spending time with Lori as I was introduced to her drawing program and some more of her game music. She taught me about her different anime loves. We laughed together and we cried at a sad Garfield cartoon. During the visit with her, I could hear Kevin and Mike shouting and laughing playing some sort of wrestling game.

Late in the night, we said our goodbyes and got back into the car. We decided to stop at a park before we called it an evening. I think this was the first night we connected fully. We played and jumped around on rubber asphalt. We went on swings that would have woken the whole neighborhood if we would have stayed on it another minute longer. Laughing and playing, I think we felt more like children than we had in years. The stars were shining brightly and the air was warm like summer's night. We walked a path that I viewed as a new adventure that led right into a dead end street. We stopped in the middle of the road and just enjoyed the moment with one another, staring at the stars. Somehow this trip, I was so focused on the stars. I felt some sort of pull toward them. I felt God keep leading me to look back up at the stars. All I wanted was to share more moments like that throughout the trip.

We took a deep breath, looked up one last time at the stars, and then made our way back to the car.

On the ride home, I thought about the whole night. I analyzed it all in my head. Wondering what Kevin was thinking and feeling, I stared at the lights all around, contrasting the darkness. Once inside we stayed up talking, making out, and making plans for the next days.

Friday...

We woke up rather late in the morning. I woke up with a big smile on my face. Shopping day. I just new I would have lots of fun looking and laughing at things in the mall with Kevin. We took our showers and we made sure that everything was clean, then we headed downstairs. We rummaged through the closet, debating what to eat. Ever since I got there, I had my eye on some EasyMac. After a suggestion, we soon was making two servings of it, watching it boil in the bowl in the microwave. As we waited, we talked about our day ahead and snuck in more than a few kisses.

Ding. Our lunch was ready. We sat together on the corner of the table, eating. We laughed and giggled, still not completely familiar with each others eating habits. I watch in horror as Kevin dipped his Mac and Cheese in ketchup. He just laughed at me. I shared my quirky habit of putting tuna in my Macaroni and Cheese and almost made him sick. In the end I tried ketchup on my EasyMac and it wasn't as terrible as I had believed it to be. Still, I am not sure I will be doing it again.

One bowl. Two forks. Lifetime of memories started to unfold.

Once finished, we did the dishes and headed out to the mall. During the drive, I made sure to keep my main focus enjoying the time I had with Kevin, no matter what the outcome. I was tired of focusing only on a possible relationship and knew I had to be more down-to-earth. So, I took a deep breath and decided to just be myself and have fun. Just see what happens. I knew God was in control, but it was hard to take away that false sense of control.

On the way to the mall, Kevin decided to take me to Eagle Rock Reservation. I was looking forward to a view of the New York skyline. It was very beautiful when we arrived. Bright green grass and blue skies filled was in my vision. He took me by the hand and walked me over to the wall where we could see the New York Skyline. It was completely surreal to me. Here, two days from 9/11 I was standing in New Jersey, looking out at NYC with the most amazing guy I have ever met. It was sure a change from 09/11/2001 where I was a new christian, lonely as can be, and believed I would never step outside the Midwest. I sure was starting to feel that God was blessing me more than I will ever realize.

He held me close and explained to me the different buildings, where the Empire State Building is, and where the Twin Towers were. I enjoyed every moment, as he explained to me all he knew. I even found out that the park was packed on 9/11 because people could witness it as it happened there. And because of this, they have a 9/11 memorial there. It was amazing to see all the names listed of the victims. A lot were from New Jersey, to my surprise. It really brought back some sorrowful memories of that day. I am just happy that nothing happened to Kevin that day. My life is sure brighter with him in it.

One last look at the skyline, and we were off to the mall, with the promise we would be back to the park later that night to see the skyline lit up at night. When we arrived in the parking lot of the mall, it was clear I was no longer in Missouri. I was faced with such stores as Macy's and Bloomingdale's.

We kissed quickly, then was on our way to a day of shopping. We walked inside and I felt like a small little girl in a department store and I was surrounded with rooms full of toys. We walked through a few Game Stores where we looked over all the video games, some newly released, some quite old. I ooed and ahhed over the new gameboy and he looked at the games that he wanted to have. Then, I came across a teddy bear shop. I had a blast looking at the different clothes for the bears and the machine where you could apparently make one for yourself. At the front counter, there were rubber bracelets with names on them. I picked up two Kevin bracelets and two Laura bracelets. The agreement was simple. We would wear our own name as long as we were just friends. If the friendship became a relationship, we would then add the other person's name to our wrist. I held tightly to my Kevin bracelet, wondering what God had planned for us.

We made our way to a bookstore. We had fun going through the different humorous books. I ended up buying him a Calvin and Hobbes book he really liked and he bought me a German lesson kit. He also bought me two really cute bookmarks. We then made our way to a store that had a neo-hippie feel to it. I enjoyed the posters, but we both decided it was a little too much for us, so we left. We also walked into Bloomingsdale. Feeling out of place a bit, we made jokes of the signs we saw and the mannequins we passed by. Laughing and joking, we had to look like two drunken teenagers or even a bit high. But you know what? I had a blast.

We went into a KB Toy Store. That was one of the most exciting places to go.

"One rule. Push every button possible", Kevin said to me with a sly grin.

"Okay. I will." I answered back giggling.

Beeping here and barking dog there, we pressed each button walking down the aisles. Laughing until we could cry, I had more than my share of fun. Then, we reached the Potty Me Elmo's.

"Elmo needs to use the potty", rang seven times over throughout the store.

For some reason, that is the funniest thing in the world when you have a lack of sleep and are having a wonderful time with someone special by your side.

We decided the EasyMac was not lasting for us as we thought it would, so we stopped by the Food Court. As I looked at the restaurants available for us, only about half were recognizable to me. Kevin told me what each of the restaurants served and we finally made the decision to eat at Wendy's. We sat eating dinner in a crowded Food Court, but it felt as though it was just me and him. We laughed and giggled about the silliest things. I think my feelings grew a million times stronger for him that day.

After we had dinner, we went to FYE music store. He looked at Dream Theater cd's, and I looked for random cd's I can't get in Missouri. After we left the store, we went into another game shop and then went on an endless hunt for some Devil's items. In the end our efforts were in vain, but we had a lot of fun looking. I found a sock shop and had some fun looking at all the brigth colored socks. I bought a pair of toe socks and threatened Kevin he would be wearing them by the end of the night.

We both were a little queasy at our unhealthy eating and decided to call it a day and come home. We thought it would be okay to see the New York skyline a day we were feeling better. Once home, we went through our bags, looking at the things we had gotten. I kept my promise and Kevin did get to try on a toe sock. He hated it and did not like me putting it on him. But I enjoyed putting it on him. We laughed and giggled and talk. It was a great night.

Once our stomachs were feeling better, we made some popcorn, grabbed some soda, and headed back to his room to watch, "Bruce Almighty". We laid down on the futon and fed each other popcorn periodically. I think we both laughed harder than we had the last three days, that day. The night was, in my opinion, the most perfect friday night ever. After the moview was over, we decided to stay up and talk a while. We snuggled up to one another and made out for some time. Then, I told him how special he was. He told me he wasn't and I told him how I can't understand why he didn't see what.

Then God intervened.

The words, "I love you" tumbled out of my mouth.

I felt them leave my lips and I had no way of stopping them. My heart started to race, as did my mind, trying to think of something quick to make a good coverup. I told him I meant to say "I love you as a friend" I told him I mean to say, "I love your personality" or "I love who you are". Never did I mean to just utter the words "I love you" I was so determined to let him say it first. I was so determined to leave my feelings unknown. It was the only 3 words I really had forbidden myself to say. I didn't even know I was thinking those words at all. But I said it.

Then, the tears started to fall.

I didn't know what to do. I decided I had ruined it all. Kevin reassured me that although he didn't believe I meant it. He wasn't mad at me for saying it. He asked me if I did mean it. I told him I did. He panicked a little, but was better than I thought he would be. I try to let the slip slide as much as possible. But it has been in the back of both of our minds ever since. God took over that day. For whatever reasons, he wanted me to say the words I knew was on my mind but I had forbidden myself to say.

After some discussion of what had occurred we fell asleep. I didn't want to go to sleep, between the high of a wonderful night, an unexpected openness with my feelings, and fear of seeing the doctor the next day, I certainly had a lot on my mind. Still, I was exhausted and my body needed rest. So, I just waited for the coming of the next days to come, excited and curious of what it may bring...

Saturday...

Saturday we woke up a little later than I wanted. We had a big day ahead of us with a trip to the doctors for myself and a trip to Long Horn. We took our showers and got ready to go on our journey. As Kevin was in the shower, I decided I didn't want to go to the doctor's. I have terrible anxiety when it comes to doctors and was silently having a panic attack while he was in the shower.

"Well, if Kevin doesn't mind too much, I will just leave this idea behind", I thought.

I sat and waiting on the futon for Kevin to get out to let him know my feelings. As he came through the door, my eyes followed his whereabouts for about 5 minutes. Finally, he came over to give me a kiss. I looked up in his eyes and said, "I don't want to go." He told me that he understood I was really nervous. I asked him if he would be mad at me if I was not to go. He told me he would not be mad at me at all. Though, he said, I would be disappointed. For some reason, he just new the right words to say.

Disappoint him? I can't do that. It was like when you are young and you find out that your mom is disappointed in you, it is way worse than her being mad. For some reason, I hate to let people down in any way. I want to always be there for anything. It cut through me like a knife and kept me to my original plans for sure.

So, I told him that I was going to go for us. We smiled and kissed and went downstairs for some lunch. We decided on some ramen noodles. We made two big bowls of it and brought it into the living room as we watched some of the videos he had taken over the years of his family. I had a wonderful time as he narrated all the videos. I loved that. I love being a part of his passions, being a part of his family.

We did our dishes, got our things, and was off to Lori and Mike's house.

"Call Lori and let her know that we are coming", Kevin said as he handed me the phone. Panic stuck my face. I never like calling people when I don't know their phone patterns. I know that sounds strange, but I like to know what to expect when I call. Some people always wait until the third ring to answer. Some always screen their calls with the answering machines. Some people will be nice on the phone, others can be very cold on the phone. Never calling Lori or Mike, I was not sure what to expect.

Lucky for me, Lori and Mike are sweet people. Mike answered and I let him know we were on our way. He told us they would wait for us and we then said our "see you soon"'s.

When we go to Lori and Mike's, I couldn't help but notice that Kevin's body language was much difference than it was Thursday when we had visited them. He was less reserved, having his hand in mind and sitting close to me.

Mike drove us to our appointment. A sign passed by, Welcome to New York. The scenery didn't change, the sign did. I was officially in New York. It was a mix feeling of "wow! I am in New York!" and "Oh no. I have to go to the doctors."

When we arrived to the place, it was a smaller building than I expected and perhaps a little less scary than I believed it to be. I had my blood taken and was told all the things I shouldn't have and was told I was severely dehydrated. I was scared, but wanted to do it for us. Kevin was completely supportive. He helped answering any questions needed to be answered and held my hand through it all. The kindness and concern in his eyes melted my heart. I felt so safe in his arms.

After we were done with the doctor's appointment, we headed back to Lori and Mike's. We sat and talked about how sick we were of "mainstream christianity". You know, the major marketing stream that could care less who Jesus IS, let alone what He would DO. We also had more than a few discussion of our views on the recent Hurricane that had devastated most of Louisianna.

Once we were through our discussions, we all decided to go to Long Horn. Kevin next to me across the table from Lori and Mike, we laughed and talked throughout the night. I had delicious chicken strips that Kevin was more than a little excited to show me. He had all the right in the world to be excited about these, they were delicious! :) It was nice getting to share something with him that he liked so much.

On the way back to Lori and Mike's, Kevin and I relaxed in each other's arms. Between full bellies and lack of sleep, we were more than a little tired. After we got back to their apartment, we decided to head for home.

At home, we decided to go through my pills and look at the paperwork Nick(my doctor) gave me. We watched "Who's Line is it anyways?" and laid together on the couch. It was a wonderful, relaxing Saturday night.

I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face, knowing that we would have lots of fun still ahead of us in the coming days...

Sunday...

I woke up Sunday with a smile on my face, staring back at Kevin I knew we had a big day ahead of us. We planned on going to the beach. After we got done with our normal morning activities, we decided to pick up some groceries for the Shore house.

On the way to ShopRight, we laughed and talked and listened to music. I enjoyed every moment . Inside my head I wondered what the last few days of my visit would become. Either way, I wanted it to be fun because I was with my best friend in the whole world.

As we parked, I took a quick snapshot of Kevin acting cool. We laughed and giggled about it and walked in to ShopRight. Being I live in Missouri, I was not familiar with the ShopRight name and had never walked into one. It was much like a store here called, "Shop n Save". Perhaps it was part of that chain. I am not sure. Either way, it was a grocery store, and that is where we needed to be. We grabbed a basket and started on our journey. It only took us about five minutes of walking aimlessly in the store to realize that we should have brought a list with us. We had no idea what to buy and bring with us to the Shore. I felt as though I had failed as a woman. I mean, come on, women are supposed to have an endless supply of ideas to what needs to be bought.

Calling his mother, we asked her for any ideas she may have. She handed out a few to us and we were on our way again. We picked up some pancake mix, since Kevin loves pancakes, and I wanted to show off my cooking skills. We also were normal young adults, so we bought junk food. We got some Pepperidge Farm Pizza "Fishies", Sour Cream and Onion potatoe chips, and soda. As we were going down the frozen food isle to get our tv dinners, it happened.

Suddenly, Kevin's cell phone came alive and guess who it was?

Janice. The ex.

With a smirk on his face, Kevin let me know it was her and asked me if I wanted to have a little fun. I was shy about it a bit. He told her that he would love to do what she wanted him to do (She acts like he is her personal whipping boy at times, believing he will drop everything to do what she wants to do, whenever she wants it done. ) , but he was spending the weekend with his girlfriend.

Girlfriend? Although I know it was said just to show Janice he was with someone serious, it was so nice to hear the words.

He hung up the phone and we laughed and joked. I told him that she could have come, just ask her if she could take pictures. :P We poked fun at the situation, since it was obvious she still believed she had some sort of hold over him.

We continued to get the last of our groceries and make our way to the check-outs. I suggested we go to the self-checkers.

"What?" Kevin asked me looking horriably confused.

"Self-Check out Lines," I said to him explaining the whole process. He didn't buy that it was the best interest for a store to do that, but decided we could go through the line. Both of us working in retail, you think that nothing would slip past us. But later, we would come to find that the ShopRight did us wrong and didn't give us the sale prices. Go figure. :P

After we came back home from shopping, we put away our groceries and decided to spend some time together before we went down to the Shore. We were waiting to see if his sister, Lori, would like to hang out with us before we went down to the shore.

While spending time together, I persuaded Kevin into letting me try on his rollerblades. Too bad that is all I did. I couldn't even stand up with them all, I don't know if that was because I was scared and holding back or if it was because of my weak ankles. Whatever the case was, it devastated me. I sat on the curb in front of his house, crying my eyes out, just wanting to do this for him. He wiped away my tears and told me it was no big deal. Still, I felt a little down from it.

He decided to show me how to play hockey. With a little practice I was slapping the wall with the puck better than I thought I ever would. And you know the funny thing? I was having sooo much fun doing it. He told me I was doing really well and I felt so proud of myself for catching on quickly.

After we played until we felt as though we could melt, we made our way back inside. Soon enough, his mother had dinner done and we watched tv together as we ate. We got ready for the shore. Packing, we stopped frequently to make out with one another. Laughing that we were never going to get anything done, we decided to hurry up and finish packing. His mother was so sweet and had packed for us sheets, pillowcases, towels, etc. We grabbed all that we needed, along with our food, and made our way to the shore.

The sky was already dark and we listened to Dream Theater on the way down. Holding my hand with one hand, and driving with the other, I felt he and I were getting close each day. I looked at him from time to time, wondering what was going on in his mind. Nevermind that now, I just had to concentrate on having fun and being myself, I thought. We talked about various things. In my mind, I thought of how my mother told me that when she met my dad, she found a four-leaf clover and thought that was a sign from God he was the one. I felt that I too would like to have something like that. Not being greatly, fond of four leaf clovers, I wondered if God would give me a shooting star or something. Being in a rather silly mood, I asked the question.

"Have you ever seen a shooting star?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I have. But never down at the shore. I did see one in Vermont, though," Kevin recalled.

"Oh. Okay. I haven't ever seen one, but would like to," I said with disappointment oozing from my voice.

I thought a sign could have been seeing a shooting star while we looked at stars or something. But Kevin going down to the shore all his life, would have surely seen a shooting star if there was even the remote chance.

Arriving to the shore, we opened up the Shore house and I stepped into a scene from a movie. Staring in front of me was a view I was so familiar with. Time and time again I had watched the video clip Kevin had sent me showing the Shore house. Now, I was really there. Looking around, I fell in love with it. The soft pastel colors and the beach theme was beautiful. Kevin quickly walked around and made sure everything was in order from the previous renter. Of course, there were a few damages, but it was generally okay. After he called his mom and got her updated on the conditions, he told me that we should get our things out of the car. We grabbed a giant red wagon and brought it outside.

"Climb in," he said with a giggle.

"What?" I said with a little bit of shock.

"Climb in and I will let you ride in it 'til we get to the car."

Being the kid at heart as I am, I jumped at the chance and hopped on the wagon. As he pulled me along the side walk, I had felt like a little kid again. And I loved it. I felt so special and it was the most amazing feeling in the world.

We packed our stuff in the wagon and made a few trips to the house, piling our stuff inside. After we were all done, I stepped outside the inner doorway and slipped on some sand.

My feet sliding out from under me, I found myself sitting on the floor. Kevin ran over to help me up, and I was fine. I just had learned a new lesson, sand is slippery. :P

We decided we wanted to watch Lilo and Stitch. Cuddle up, laying next to each otehr, we watch and laughed at the movie. Once the movie was done, we decided to take a midnight walk. We had lots of fun and talked about all sorts of things. We look at the water and at the stars above. We even caused a little bit of mischeif along the way. Like pretending on taking off our clothes at a sign telling us not to and making out in front of random webcam locations. :P

At the end of the night, we came home and made out. Both being quite tired, we decided bed was the best thing for us. We had lots of fun and looked forward to waking up early in the morning to watch the sunrise together.

Monday...

"Wake up, hurry!" Kevin said to me as I sleepily opened my eyes.

It took a while for me to realize it, the sunrise was almost here and we had to run to the beach. I don't even remember how I got dressed. All I remember was holding his hand, running to the beach, with a camera in hand. We got to the shore, just in time. I was able to take the first shot as the sun was just breaking the horizon.

It was absolutely amazing. Stunningly beautiful.

There was no one in the world I'd rather been with to see such a sight.

We enjoyed the whole sunrise and then made our way back to bed. Around noon, we woke up the second time and decided to have pancakes. Then it struck us both, no oil. There was no oil in the house, so we had to wait until the next day to have pancakes.

We took our showers, got dressed, and were on our way to have fun on the Boardwalk. Stopping by the arcades, we took a shot at winning some stuffed animals. We also had lots of fun playing racing together, skeeball, and air hockey.

We had so much fun together. I went shopping at the various stores the scattered the boardwalk too . We had fun going through the silly knick knacks. Kevin bought me a beautiful set of chimes with a pink whale on it. I bought some NJ license plates with our names on it and got a keychain.

After we did some shopping, we got some icecream from Kohr's.

The Best Ice Cream Ever. Period.

Kevin had orange icecream. I never heard of it, but I did take a taste and it was good. I had chocolate myself and loved it. After we were done eating icecream, we started to head out again.

Then I saw it.

A picture booth.

A smile crossed my face.

I somehow convinced Kevin that we just HAD to get our picture taken together in the photobooth.

We posed for the pictures. The first one didn't come out, but the others were adorable. Deciding we could have it go so much better, we decided to try our luck taking pictures the next day.

We decided it was time to head back to the shore house. Once at the shore house, we dropped off out stuff and decided to head out for the "dad walk". You see, Kevin's dad used to take his siblings and him on this walk where you could see all the boats. I felt so special for him to share that with me.

He grabbed his video camera and we were on our way. We laughed and giggled and commmented on pretty much everything. I really had a lot of fun. I think it actually is one of the best walks I ever had. It was a great chance to learn about his life, his family, and the shore.

After we finished up the dad walk, we went to have Italian Ice. I never had it before, but was excited to try it. I picked chocolate and Kevin picked blue (not sure what that flavor was :P) By the time we got home we were a sticky mess like kids are when they eat a popcicle. A dripping mess.

After we washed up, we headed back out to go to the local 7-11. While driving out there, we ended up getting to see the most beautiful sunset. We picked up the oil we needed and then headed back home.

Once we were home, we went back to the beach to watch the sun set the rest of the way. As we watched the sun go down we enjoyed the soft warm breeze of the night. Looking up, Kevin noticed that he could see the first star of the night. We watched as slowly other stars started to appear. I decided to sit down on the sand, and Kevin laid his head on my lap. We relaxed and talked enjoying the beautiful night together. Pretty soon we saw the moon rise on the water. As rare as I have been told it is, we saw the moon's reflection glisten on the water. It was absolutely breathtaking.

We decided to head back to the shore house to do a bible study. Once we settled on the couch we made the decision that he would pick the book and I would pick the chapter in which we were to study. Kevin decided to pick the book of James, since he had read something recently that spoke to him. I decided to start with chapter 1 because I wasn't sure what chapter to really do. The first chapter was definitely written: "From God, To Kevin". It was everything that Kevin was worrying about. It spoke of the fact that the doubting man will not recieve blessings from God, because He doubts God. But he who has blind faith of trusting God will bless him, will be blessed.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."- James 1:5-8

After the bible study, we watched wrestling together as we ate our lasagna tv dinner. I had fun watching something that Kevin enjoyed watching so much. It was very exciting to me to watch the match and have Kevin teach me random facts about each player. During the commercials, we started to have a wrestling match of our own. Being silly, I asked him why he put up with me or something. And then he said it.

He said three words that stopped my heart.

"I love you."

He told me he didn't mean to. He told me he meant to say "I love your personality, hair, eyes, smile.." , just not "I love you." Later he explained to me he didn't mean it fully yet. I agree he may not know. The one thing I do know, at that time, God wanted us to say that to each other. Another part of His beautiful Plan.

We ended up missing most of the the last half of wrestling. Once it was over, Kevin and I decided to stand outside and star gaze. We stod out there, as we told each other our desires, hopes, and fears about the future. Feeling fustrated that I was losing control of the situation, my eyes welled with tears. Kevin told me he had to go to the bathroom and left me to stand outside as he went back into the house. Looking up at the star, I felt very close to God. I always do in nature for some reason. Realizing I had no control, I threw up my arms and told God that the relationship was His. I told Him that I knew I had no control, so He should just take over. By the time I was through, Kevin was walking back outside. He wrapped his arms around me again and we looked at the stars. Looking down, we started to again talk about everything. We then decided to enjoy the night and look at the stars. Looking up, we saw something that mad us both gasp.

It was a shooting star.

Standing there in the middle of a sandy front yard with Kevin cuddling with me, a shooting star flew overhead.

I got my sign. God spoke to me. He must have spoke to Kevin somewhat. The next thing I knew, he pulled out a necklace he had somehow snuck in his suitcase and had just snuck in his pocket when he went to the bathroom. He told me about it and how much it meant to him. Then, with one quick motion, he slipped the bracelet on my wrist, held me close, and asked me to be his girlfriend.

September 13, 2005 at 12 a.m.

Excitement filled my heart and I didn't have to feel guilty about being happy for once. I knew I hadn't pushed it and I knew God was with us. He had indeed answered my prayer. We cried and cried for 30 minutes or so and then decided to come in. I must have had the biggest smile on my face ever falling asleep. It was so wonderful.

Tuesday...

Waking up Tuesday, we took our showers and got dressed. Between being playful and kisses, we somehow cooked pancakes together. Laughing and smiling at one another, the first meal we cooked together was quite a enjoyable one.

We grabbed our stuff for the day and were on our way to the Boardwalk. We had lots of fun shopping and playing at the arcades. We walked into one shop that where were obviously over our head. Sunglasses alone were about two hundred dollars. Kevin so cute and boldly said, "Nothing here I want." I played along and loudly said that there was nothing there for me either. I had to much fun just being myself. We fit so nicely together. We ended up having a huge pretzel together which we dipped in mustard. He also treated me to some funnel cake.

One lesson I learned: I don't like funnel cake.

We took some pics in a photo booth which were interupted with a phone call from his mother. All of which I thought was adorable. We laughed and talked and had so much fun. Neither one of us wanted to bring up the fact that this was the last full day we had together. We just were enjoying the moment. He got me some dippin' dots and we walked back to the shore house, taking one last look at the ocean. Feeding him dippin' dots as we walked along, tears rolled down my cheeks.

"I'm gonna miss you so much," I managed to squeak out. He told me not to worry about it and to just enjoy the time we had left. So, I was determine to do just that. We packed our bags and cleaned up the shore house. Once again we were on the road, but this trip was a little more somber. We were going home, and I didn't know exactly when I was going to be on that beach with Kevin again. Holding hands and listening to love songs, I tried not to think about it. Kevin sang ; Truly Madly Deeply, I Knew I Loved You, and Colorful to me one the way home. I think he is the best singer in the world. My head was spinning. It was a wonderful feeling.

Once home, we went through our "goodies" we had gotten at the shore and Kevin was videotaping it all.

Knock. Knock. Kevin called for whoever it was to come in.

Lori opened the door smiling at us. His sister came over to spend some time with me before I went to home.

We shared dinner together, and during the times Kevin would leave to get more to eat, I would whisper my relationship details to Lori.

Kevin, Lori, and I decided to go to the park one last time to have fun and get some pictures of us taken.

Laughing, playing, and having an all around great time, Kevin and I were like little kids. We spent out time posing for pictures, bouncing up and down, and swinging to swings. I had a wonderful time, but in the back of my mind I had so much sorrow.

Once home again, Lori stayed a little longer and we all piled into the living room where we sat and talked. Kevin and I ended up falling asleep a little (or maybe it was just me). Either way, Lori decided it was time to go home. Once she left, Kevin and I ran back upstairs to his room. He played guitar for me. Even playing our song, Colorful for me. I sat and listened, taking pictures of him periodically. We also went through a big bin of his childhood photos. Finally I broke down and started to cry and he did as well. We enjoyed the rest of out night together and then fell asleep.

Wednesday...

"No...." I woke up thinking in the morning. Wednesday was the last time I would be in his arms for who knows how long. We took advantage of each moment. We kissed, hugged and cuddled. Even taking a picture of ourselves once in a while. While Kevin was in the shower, I decided to write him a nice sweet letter for him to read when I was gone.

I walked down stairs to bring some of my stuff to the first floor. Kevin's mom and I had some light conversation and she even gave me a book. It was so sweet.

It took a while, but soon Kevin came downstairs with the last of my luggage and we piled it all in the car. Choking back tears, we road to the airport listening to all of our favorites songs. They were beautiful but heart wrenching. I think we both must have been thinking the same way, because we dragged our feet the whole time going to the airport. Still, we got there in plenty of time. Holding as close as we could to one another, we talked a good 45 minutes before I went to my terminal to board my plane. Tears flowed from our eyes, not wanting to let go. Walking through security, I didn't look back, knowing I would never leave if I did. Calling him when I got to my gate, I could hear that he too was crying. It was the hardest thing I could ever have done. On the plane ride home, tears poured down. After I came home, most of our day was spent with one another on the phone and internet, just crying and missing one another. Even unpacking, he seemed to know how to surprise me, leaving me a picture of himself as a child in my suitcase pocket.

September 7- 14 , the best week of my life thus far. :)

Clarity

2005-09-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

"I worry
I weigh three times my body
I worryI throw my fear around
But this morning
There's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted,
only diamonds now remain"
-John Mayer-Clarity-

Less than 48 hours my life is in for a change. What will be? What is God's greater plan? I could spend hours worrying myself sick. The world could be spinning out of control. Yet I feel peace. God always give me such certainty in my heart that everything is going to be fine. I know it will be.

And you know what? I have joy in my heart.

God is amazing.

I feel so good about all of this. :)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27

Been little over a month, but it seems like I've known you all my life...

2005-08-25T11:29:00.000-07:00

I don't think I could put into words the feeling I have in my heart. Happiness is an understatement. I have a reason now to believe that tomorrow will bring a better day. God is showing me that He has great things planned for my future. I am living each day feeling bubble-wrapped in the affection and support of him. Although I may be fragile and the world out there likes to pick me up and drop me, I feel safe in him.

In less than two weeks, I will spend an entire week with him. We have a million things planned to do together. Those plans run through my mind at least a hundred times a day. I never have a second go by where I don't think about him, miss him, worry about him, or pray for him. He has become such a big piece of my life. We have to wait and see what God has in store for us. I know this. I know that God will show us His plan and guide us down the right path. All I know is that I am amazingly blessed to have him in my life.

All My Prayers Answered, All My Dreams Coming True..

2005-08-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

To the world you may be one person,but to one person you may be the world.

- Bill Wilson -

We sat side by side in the morning lightand looked out at the future together.

- Brian Andres -

Eternally grateful doesn't nearly describe the way I feel. It isn't possible to thank God enough for what He has done in my life. I have had the great pleasure of getting to talk to him each day on my break. You know what? It makes my night go by so much better. I have a smile on my face as I slowly watch the night go on knowing I will soon hear his voice again.

The time races by, and it is never enough, but for the moment- it's absolutely amazing.

We talk for hours a day, though it seems to be only a moment. I can't even tell you how important each word that comes out of his mouth really is. I wait patiently for the time which we are in each others' arms. It truly will be every thing I have been dreaming of and so so much more. He says that the beginning to the perfect life may start with me. I know it my perfect life begins with him. Never have I met someone like him in my life. I am complete awe at everything that is happening.

He showed me a video of the shore. It was breathtaking. I can imagine us watching the sunsrise and watching the sunset. There isn't any place I'd rather be and no one else I'd rather be with. If anyone watches Friends, I am sure they would understand this next line: I believe he is my lobster.

Beautiful dawnLights up the shore for me.
There is nothing else in the world,
I'd rather wake up and see (with you).

I am seeking God in all of this. May His hand be on all of this. May His will be done. I consistently place this beautiful blessing in His hands. I truly hope in the end we are together. I feel that we are, but I don't want to take a single moment for granted. It's too beautiful to ruin. He's too special to lose.

It's just got to be you...

2005-08-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

Currently Playing: I Finally Found Somone- Bryan Adams

"This is it,
oh I finally found someone
Someone to share my life
I finally found the one
To be with every night
'Cause whatever I do It's just got to be you
My life has just begun I finally found someone
And whatever I do It's just got to be you
My life has just begun I finally found someone"

Seeking God in all of this hasn't always been easy, but I feel happy I constantly place it in His hands. My feelings for him grow each day and I think his does for me as well. This romance is so beautiful. The only thing I want to do is fall into his loving arms. God has consistently shown me that we may be meant for one another. Our phone conversation last night made me believe that all the more. The emotions were real. You could hear it in our tone of voice. If only I could be there with him, I'd somehow convince him just how special he really is.

He truly is the most wonderful man I have ever met in my life.

Sometimes I feel weak. I feel like just running after my desires. I know that is wrong, so I once again place it into His hands. This is all God's. As scary as it is to give God the ability to take him from me, I know God has that ability no matter what I decide. I decide to give this to God. God's will, not mine. Good thing though, I still feel it is God's will for us to be together. I still feel such peace in my heart that I will be in his arms and we will experience life hand in hand, side by side. I want him to be in my life. I want to do all I can to encourage and support him in what he does. I believe in him. He may not always realize just how much I really do.

Everything he does amazes me.

Our time together is so precious to me. So beautiful. All I do is crave more and more. I cherish each moment we have together. He says I am a princess. He says I am perfect in his eyes. This is amazing to me. Wow does he feel this way? I really don't know why. All I know is that I want him to always feel this way. I want him to know I feel the same. Somehow I want to show him how much he means to me. He needs to know he is my Prince Charming. You know what touched me the most? He wanted to speak to me over wanting to speak with his ex.

Wow. Can you believe it? Absolutely amazing.

One of the most beautiful things I have heard from him are these simple words, "I want to take care of you." It brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't believe it. I can't believe this is all happening to me. I can't believe how wonderful this all is. I want to take care of him too. I want to be there for him. I really really do.

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you...

2005-08-01T23:52:00.000-07:00

Currently Playing: Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to youI think about the years
I spent just passing throughI'd like to have the time
I lost and give it back to youBut you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true"

I am not a big country music fan, but some songs just speak to the truth for your life, your situation. This song completely describes recent events in my own life. God has given me something so precious. He has placed in my hands a relationship more beautiful than I could ever dream of. I don't think I deserve him in my life, but I am so God decided to bless me with him. Each day I wake up with the biggest smile across my face. Everyday I wake up and it feels like the most beautiful spring morning with the birds singing and the sun shining. Pure joy. I couldn't ever thank God enough for what He is doing in my life.

I bought an airplane ticket for a relationship that failed. I thought the 800 dollars were gone forever. I could change and take a flight somewhere else, but where? I had no friends. I had no one. Why travel anywhere? The flight- canceled. The ticket- thrown away- or so I thought. Last Friday, I was on my break at work and called my mom. We were talking about God's will in our friendship. I told her that I would need to visit him. I wanted God to show me a sign it was His will. Somehow open a door for us. Well, as my mom and I were talking about it, she found a piece of paper laying in her room. She told me it was the plane ticket. I was amazed. I just knew that it couldn't be right because it was thrown away but my mom seemed to think that it was the plane ticket. She gave it to me that evening and to my surprise, it was the plane ticket. I had confirmation in my heart that God did want this relationship to bloom and that there was no stopping God's will.

I told him right away and hoped that he viewed it as a sign from God as well. He wasn's sure if it was or not. As always, worry started to set in. I thought to myself, what if it's pass the date I can exchange it? What happens if there were some hidden rules that I didn't know before. What happens if I won't be able to visit him? I was in a panic. I decided that if the plane ticket didn't work, it wasn't an answer to the prayer: "Is this God's will?" and I would still have to wait for the answer. If the plane ticket exchange DID work, then it is God's will for us to bet together. So, I went online and found a flight to him for September. I wrote down all the information needed, took a deep breath, and called the airline. You know what happened? God answered My suspicions were right. God was behind me finding the airplane ticket. I am visitng him in a month and I couldn't be happier! God is truly amazing.

I hope that God will give me the chance to be the one who puts him above myself. I want to be the one who cares, loves, supports, honors, and encourages him each day through it all. I want to be there to cry with him and to wipe away his tears. I want to walk beside him and stand behind him in all he does. I want to hold his hand and reach out my hand when he needs me. I want to be his.

May God guide our path every step along the way.

I've got all the time in the world...

2005-07-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

Currently Listening to: All The Time In The World- Boyzone

"And so you built a fortress so mighty high and hopeless
Takes a lot of time to make walls crumble
Stone by stone i'd make them tumble for you
'Cause I've got all the time in the world"

Never have I felt such happiness. Never such contentment. The world around me has become so much more beautiful. Everything seems to be a little brighter, and even criticism doesn't nearly cut as deep as it used to. I have joy. I have peace. I wake up in the morning and joyfully get my tasks done because I know in a few hours, I will have the opportunity to chat with him more.

I remember in my life, all I wanted was someone who looked just as forward to speaking to me as I did to them. All I wanted was someone who would feel the same. This may be happening. I am praying to God that He will give him a sign in his heart. May God lead us both where we need to be. Whatever may happen, I hope to show him how much I care and that he deserves all the love in the world. He is truly a special person. Everytime I speak to him, I am more and more amazed how wonderful he is. He inspires me.

He inspires me to reach for my dreams. Never had I had someone support me like that. He thinks I can achieve anything. How many people on earth will actually believe in you? Not many. But he does. I believe in him too. I hope to always be there to support him through everything. I want to be there to cry with him through his disappointments and rejoice with him in his triumphs. I want to always be there for him.

"I know it's hard to let me love you
When my trust is on the lineI know it takes a lot of courage
When your faith is hard to find
I'd never try to hurt you
Fight heaven and earth to protect you
There's nothing to fear when I'm with you"

A Beautiful Beginning

2005-07-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

I decided to start a journal here. Mostly I will just write about my life. Whatever is going on and my views on it. I am going to write about my relationship with Christ and how that effects my every day life as well. I don't think I will be interesting and I don't think my blog will get many hits. I write for my own sanity. Not for others.

Life has been a lot more positive than it used to be. I am starting to have the ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am beginning to regain my optimistic attitude in life. I think my heart might be changing. I think my life may be getting better. I don't know, and I surely don't want to get my hopes up, but I would like to accept this joy. God sometimes puts special people in your life. Sometimes, God gives you a break.