| Changing |
After some painful realizations, I am changing myself. Some may think it's good, others bad, and some may think I am crazy. I won't argue the last one. To be honesty I don't know how it will turn out. I have a tendency to always SAY I will change iand in two days I am back to my old ways. But I am really hoping to accomplish the following:
1) Get Closer to God
-Do more Bible Studies
-More Prayer Time
-More Alone Time with God
2)Treat Kevin Better.
-Respect Him More
-Open Communication
-More Consideration on His Feelings
3)Honesty
-More Honest With Myself
-More Honest with Others
-Stay Kind but Stern on How I Feel
4)Become Assertive.
-Say NO If It Is Something I Can't Do
-Stand Up for My Needs
-Listen to What I think God Wants Me To Do
5)Love Others More
-Unwavering
-Relentlessly
-Unconditionally
Other changes may become apparent as time goes on, but as of right now, this is what I am working on. I even loooked up some bible verses to help me get stronger and apply these changes to my life:
ROMANS 12:17-30
17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[a]says the Lord. 20On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."[b] 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
GALATIANS 1:10
10Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
ACTS 5:29
29Peter and the other apostles replied: "We must obey God rather than men!
It's time for a change |
|
|
|
| Leap Into the Unknown |
"I've nowhere else to go
butI cannot stay where I don't belong"
-Exodus- Evanescence
Acceptance. It’s a hard word for some. An impossible word for all when it comes to the world’s standards. You will never be truly accepted in the world. Why? The world is angry, sinful, and restless. No one truly feels accepted, so they don’t feel they should accept others. This circle of logic continues from preschool to careers to marriage to death.
So, in this world there is no acceptance of one another. Is there any acceptance? Yes. Through Christ. As we accept Christ, He accepts us as one of His own and we become accepted in the eyes of God. Finally, we are loved, cared for, and accepted as part of His family.
So, what happens when someone accepted by God is not accepted by man? Do they continue to stand in the abuse, hoping for acceptance of man one day? No. They shake off the dust off their feet and move on with life.
“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town.”-Matthew 10:14
“The word of the Lord spread through the whole region. But the Jews incited the God-fearing women of high standing and the leading men of the city. They stirred up persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and expelled them from their region. So they shook the dust from their feet in protest against them and went to Iconium. And the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.” –Acts 13:49-52
At my place of work, I am not accepted. I am ridiculed, I am hated, and I am lied about. I feel completely out of place and when I reach out, I am slapped in the face. Why am I still at the job? Because I felt I could be of some help. But even that was turn away. I was scared because I didn’t want to leave a job without another job lined up, but what kind of faith does it take to leap into a known area? God wants us to leap into the unknown, that way we lean not to our understanding of what we see, but on God’s understanding of what we aren’t seeing.
I need to make that jump.
I am shaking the dust off my feet and jumping into the unknown. Just me and God. |
|
|
|
| Time to Live |
Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back
Life is what you make it.
That's what everyone tells one another at least. I think it's said in hopes that we can control our lives. Fact is, we can't. We can't control the circumstances that happen to us, only our response to those circumstances. And when those circumstances throw us off, our response is usually the rooted reality of who we really are.
My actions, as of late, have left me questioning who I am and who I want to be.
2008 seemed to come in peacefully. I had new goals and new sights on what I wanted to accomplish. I was successful spiritually, physically, and mentally. And even better, I just had an excellent review at work. All was going to plan, or so it seemed. That is, until I came into work the next week.
The next work week it started-the torments, the pointing of fingers, and the comments. I was called ‘fat’, ‘stupid’, and was blamed for several things I did not do all in a week. To make matters worse, when I went to the HR manager, she acted as though there wasn’t much she could do but talk to my manager. When they talked, my manager convinced my HR that I needed to toughen up and grow up and take it. This was further emphasized to me as it was brought up in an Administration meeting which made me into the complete bad guy. In a weeks time, I not only lost my status of a good worker, but I lost my so-called work friends. They felt as though I put them in a tough situation and they didn’t want to say anything about what was going on. This torment has continued from January 9th to this moment.
At first, I felt like I couldn’t handle it. I felt like I had to run away screaming. Then, I felt I had no where to go. A stream of jobs that went nowhere last year has haunted me and I don’t feel like starting it again. At that point, I was unresponsive. I didn’t feel like talking, moving, thinking, anything. Then, I went through my phase of anger. I was terribly angry with God because I couldn’t understand why I was suffering with another job issue. I couldn’t understand why he was letting up on my situation no matter how much I tried to stand resilient. I broke down one night after lashing out at Kevin (the person I love the most) and cried my eyes out praying to God. Now, I am handling it better. Kevin helped me to put it all in God’s hands, but the depression remains in my heart because of the daily problems I face.
The funny thing is, I know God wants me to leave this job. I know that. I know I have to be brave once again and venture out into the unknown. I am not sure why this is. But I know He has reason. Kevin recently was hired to work at Staples. I am very happy and proud of him. I know this is not what he truly wants to do, but he is doing it. I know part of the reason he is doing it is for me. He wants to start a life with me. I want to start one with him. I know God will provide for both of us. I know He has something wonderful in store for us. It’s too early in 2008 to say it’s a bad year. One circumstance, the one that is changing who I am, will not ruin my year. And guess what? It changed me for the better. Now I am more aware of who I am inside, and what I need to do in order to be who God wants me to be. Somehow this torment has shown me to rely on God. I have to be willing to die for Christ before I can truly live. I have said it for a while, now it’s time to put it into practice.
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.- Philippians 1:21
It's time for me to live.
It's not too late for me To keep from sinking further I'm trying to find my way out Tear down these walls |
|
|
|
| Reveling in my Imperfections... |
So I figured out my problem today and it took a pop song to do it for me. While I was driving to work, Beautiful Disaster by Jon McLaughlin came on the radio and a few of the lyrics struck home.
“She never stays the same for long,Assuming that she'll get it wrongPerfect only in her imperfection.”
It made me realize that is why I always change. I think I am not good enough and I keep changing and changing until I get it perfect- problem is, I will never be perfect. For example, I wrote some great children’s poems, but I didn’t have anyone who wanted to produce it into a children’s book. Instead of taking this in stride, I ran from it and chose something else. Same thing with my drawings, everyone tells me I am good at drawing, so I go for it. But as soon as the road gets tough and people give me suggestions to be better- I assume I am not perfect anymore and why even try.
This trait in me is horrible because it is eating me up and ruining my life. I am never happy and care-free anymore because I have to be perfect. I take everything so hard and am too serious. I was sitting at my work today and wondered why I always feel like I am going to get into trouble and I know it is because I think I am messing things up. Then I had to give myself a check list.
· Did I purposely do sloppy/incorrect work? No.
· Have I done wrong things in the past that may make me think I could do the same mistake again? No.
· Have I recently gotten in trouble? No.
So what is the big idea? Why do I worry? Why do I freak out? Because of the potential to mess something up? Insanity! Which is why I am ruining my life.
This flaw in my personality has seeped into many other aspects of my life. I need perfection in all things- which is something I will never have. When it comes to my body, I am always picking at myself. My hair isn’t perfect, my weight isn’t perfect, I wish I wasn’t so tall, etc etc etc. So, then I worry about not eating this, or doing this, or wishing this, or being uncomfortable with that, so much that I end up not being accepting of myself, feeling ugly and then feeling that Kevin thinks the same. A lack of confidence is truly my only ugliness in reality.
This flaw even has reached my relationship. When Kevin even mentions something that I did incorrectly or that I did differently, I flip! I go right into defensive mode and I am relentless. I explain myself over and over, get aggravated, or even spout off things I would never normally do. All of this mess, just because I folded a towel wrong, or misplaced something. It’s insane.
It is one thing to know one’s problem, it’s a whole different one to change it. I am making up myself steps to follow to try and control this so I can live a free happy life.
Step 1: Accept that I am not perfect. I need to just accept and leave it at that. Nothing will ever be perfect. I need to take a deep breath and roll with the challenges I face.
Step 2: Laugh at my mistakes. I used to laugh at my little misfortunes, but now I seem to only obsess over them. I need to realize the life is a learning process. I will be learning how to live for the rest of my life. (ah like that? a DT reference :P )
Step 3: Realize that the world will not end if I do mess up big time. If I do something enormously detrimental to my career, and I can’t pay my bills, the world will not burn up and I won’t starve. I have people who will back me and love me very much who know life is hard and won’t let me fall.
Step 4: If you are always concerned about what will happen tomorrow, you will never enjoy today. I need to realize that I need to enjoy the moments of happiness that I have, or life will pass be by with one worry after another clouding the happiness.
Step 5: I need to grow up. I need to be able to handle my worries. I need to only worry about something when it’s in my immediate eye-sight. No reason to worry about things that have not happened, have already happen, or may or may not ever happen.
I am really dedicating myself to this and will be recording in a journal my progress. This is something that will be a long, slow process and I am going to count on Kevin, to help me out. He needs to be my accountability partner and I need him to step up and let me know when I am being paranoid, upset, worried, or just not enjoying myself due to my ever thinking/worrying mind.
Wish me luck! |
|
|
|
| Love |
| I had a big post planned. Each paragraph was a different aspect of my life...and I want I planned it to be. Then, I realized something. There are two things I want. That's it. I want what God has planned for my life. I want Kevin. I feel God has planned a future for me and Kevin. And I am excited and looking forward to living each day :) That's all. |
|
|
|
| New Beginning |
Well, well, well...here I am again.....lost for words. God has been doing awesome things in my life, but it is all about change. And change...to me is exciting...but scarey. I think the constant toss between being scared and being anxious has made me worry about it all. But when I pray about, I always feel better. I feel like God is saying, " I know that it's hard, but it's worth it at the end. I want you to do this, but not alone." This is what I need to make it through and this is what, thus far, as helped me through it.
So...you may ask...what changes do you face? Well, all of them start with the man of my dreams :) Kevin.
His name alone is enough to make my heart skip a beat. I've got it for this boy, and I got it bad :) But I couldn't be happier. In the last two years, I would have never been able to get through all that I have without him by my side. I don't know what I would do without him and I am glad to know that I didn't have to go through it without him for a moment! :)
We have had a tough year, I will admit this. It started out with not being able to see each other for almost 4 months. This is VERY difficult when you are completely in love with someone and all you can hear is a voice over the computer/cell phone day in and day out. We even had to spend Valentine's Day away from one another.
Then, to make matters worse, we got into a fight in the middle of February. Although the fight was stupid and at the time I couldn't understand why I was being stubborn, I think I figured it all out later. God wanted it to happen. I know this sounds crazy, but I believe it's true. We weren't talking open and honestly about everything *one of the major rules we agreed on in our relationship* and we weren't trusting GOD with our relationship. I think God just had to have us refocus. And with almost losing him, I think I saw just how much I love him and need him. I couldn't do without him.
After we got through all the difficulties, Kevin's father passed away. I desperately wanted to come to his aid. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to let him know it was ok. I wanted to hold him in my arms and never let go. I wanted to be his anchor through this and wanted to let him know that no matter how hard it was, I understood and was there to wipe away his tears. Sadly... I was not there and I could not wipe away his tears. This broke me into pieces. I sent flowers. I sent cards. I sent emails. But I felt like I wasn't doing any more than what a distant cousin does when someone dies. :( It was awful. Somehow Kevin told me I helped him. And I honestly hope I did help him, but I can't see what good I did, to be honest.
The same week Kevin's father died, he found out he was losing his job. I didn't think that life could get worse for him. In the midst of it all, I was so surprised and proud to see how strong he was through it all. It really was amazing to me how wonderfully he held tight to God. It truly made me smile and made me happy that he was being as strong as he was.
I had to leave my job as well. It wasn't good for me and I think if I was to have stayed another moment, I would have done something destructive to myself. I was so completely tired, depressed, drained, torn, and sick...nothing was going to help unless I got out. So I prayed about it and God showed me my answer ;) He always provides. The next day, I was writing my farewell letter to them.
Just a week ago, I had a great visit with Kevin :) We were in each other's arms and it was amazing. I probably couldn't name to you all that we did. And to be honest, I don't think I care what we did. All I care about was that we were together for that time :) And that is when we decided to go ahead and purchase the final ticket :) Sure, there will be times I go to visit my family. But I bought the final ticket to come and live in New Jersey with Kevin :) I am so excited about the change in my life and I can't wait until I get to see him on a regular, daily basis. I can't wait for date life. I can't wait until we can watch tv at night together and I can't wait until we can be in each other's arms :)
God might be doing a lot of changes...new car, new job, new state, new start. But it's all I ever wanted and I can't wait for it to come :)
I love you, Kevin
Thank you God.
For my future. For being with Us. For it all. |
|
|
|
|
|
posted by Laura at 
